“I Cosign Myself”
A few nights back I found myself standing outside the Standard Hotel about 34 minutes into a wait for a person of enough importance to come collect us for some artist’s (who I couldn’t identify even if I was under the threat of having my grandmother’s knees broke) album release party. While I watched people stumble out of the venue, appearing as if they’d invented new vices after sex, drugs, and alcohol, consumption became tedious… I knew I couldn’t see minute 35. This is when it dawned on me; I could have avoided all of this by just having let the based god fuck my bitch. Then and only then, would people know I was someone to be respected.
This is the power of “The Cosign”.
I mean personally, I rarely need cosigns. I’ve honed my craft to a science. I’ve learned that if you tell the right people that you will “shoot them in the dick” followed by a kind of autistic dinosaur rawr, they normally assume that you are affiliated with the Odd Future bunch. Not only will you get escorted to VIP’s across the nation, but you will be presented snacks as well. If you can’t pull that off, attach your name to celebrities that are not easily identifiable to the average doorman such as a Hip Hop Joshua, Plain Pat, or MMG’s Pill. Nobody knows what the fuck Pill looks like. Make sure “The Cosign” fits the environment as well. Mentioning French Montana to get backstage at a Theophilous London show can easily result in catching a case.
“The Cosign” can change everything. Right now at this very moment, that Wayne cosign got some grown ass blood mixed up in a serious skateboarding accident. Last year the same dude that was walking around trying to catch a gun charge to validate his facial tattoo’s is now busting 360 kick flips talking bout, “Nah blood, I been on my skateboarding shit since like 03”. Yes… that guy is Game.
Some people’s careers depend on “The Cosign”. I don’t have any problems with Wayne throwing alley oops to Drake Griffin (fuck, I’d take a bounce pass), but is this all we have to look forward to in life? Am I working every night until 5am, to get up at 7am, just so I can become a shout out on a DJ Drama mixtape? Na b, fuck that. That can’t be MY life. It’s your decision if you choose to subscribe to this brand of dick riding and yes man-ism. If you decide this is a good career path choice it can also be assumed you’ve spent countless hours on a search engine trying to locate who sells those canary yellow koosh ball’s Rick Ross turned into a jacket for the “You the Boss” cover art, or twitpic’d yourself in proud possession of multiple J. Cole CD’s. Either way there is no medication that can be prescribed to cure any of the 17 types of homosexuality you have contracted.
Im not innocent here. I’ve taken “The Cosign” to the extreme plenty of times. I copped entire ensemble’s embroidered with Ed Hardy’s name and tiger after I saw Hov sporting that oversized jacket he performed “What More Can I Say” in on Fade to Black. I did that. I won’t however allow you to make the same mistakes unwarned. I feel the need to pop into your life weekly and suggest that you live more like… well… me. Cosigning every thought my brain cooks up without regret or fear of retribution.
And with that I’m going to list my Top 5 cosigns I cosign:
5. Ron Browz Cosign… The one that never happened and forever rid of us of “The Ether Boy”
4. Rich Porter – Alpo Martinez Cosign… This didn’t turn out so great for Rich, but we did get Paid in Full out of it.
3. Spike Lee – Ray Allen Cosign… Casting Ray as Jesus Shuttlesworth the son of Denzel Washington forever certified “the sweetest jumper in the game” as a hood legend.
2. Jay–Z – Whatever he’s drinking this week cosign… Whether it was Armadale or Ace of Spades… you could always pour it on a bitch from the comfort of a club couch in style.
1. Michael Jordan – 2K12 Cosign… This cosign put the finishing move on the wack player movement of the NBA Live series. Seriously, does EA still produce a basketball game annually?
I’m really just out here looking for your cosign to be honest. If everyone who reads this blog can put a bug in the next person’s ear… maybe that sketch ass fortune teller I visited earlier is wrong. Maybe I won’t have to get shot in that suburban in LA just so people will call me the greatest blogger alive, but then again… maybe I will.
Okay, Im out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta go do like tweet @OfficiallyIce in spam like bursts in hopes that one day maybe, just maybe, he’ll mention me. Then my mom can finally claim me.