10 Cuff Commandments
“Memories made in the coldest winter”
Okay, so you’ve spent countless hour’s regurgitating Drake’s Take Care lyrics into your lotus flower bomb’s inbox. You’ve collected all of your proverbial nuts for the long chill ahead of you. You’re ready to cuff something up for this here winter season. What is the next step tho? How are you going to manage to lock this thing up for the freeze, but make sure you’ve completely unthawed and singled up by the summer rapture? I got you b. I over got you. I collaborated with a team of the coldest youths to ever do it to bring you this biblical list of guidelines that will teach you to bend every right angle to make sure the box is always around.
THE 10 CUFF COMMANDMENTS
10. Winter cuff relationships should never have a longer lifespan than motor oil.
This gives you 4 months before you change her out. All relationships start out clean and progressively accumulate dirt over time. Your job is to make sure you are sitting in some pure golden synthetic by the time summer arrives.
9. Never look at her phone.
I mean never b. You think those 2am texts are to her best friend? Na, dog they not. They to YOUR new best friend. The Puerto Rican cat with the tongue ring that’s readily waiting to wife her during any season you release custody of her. This is the guy who will dedicate the time and affection it takes to keep her distracted from your spring warm-ups.
8. Avoid any words that threaten to change this relationship from seasonal to annual.
Marriage, commitment, Anniversary… anything that creates the imagery of babies and joint accounts is strictly out fam. Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. This the type of shit only the fuckiest of boi’s resort to, and that’s why they spending a lifetime of evenings watching “Pawn Stars” while you spending a lazy Sunday making their bm a porn star. Be brave man. Call a girl a faggot every once in a while. Shit sounds crazy right? It will be to them too, and by the time they are no longer endeared to it you will be picking out your first destination for prime beach thirst.
7. No family introductions.
You can risk an introduction to a offy aunt, or cousin you know will be back in rehab before March… no one that can keep her connected. You don’t want shorty arriving at a Memorial Day BBQ to a plate she coordinated with your Grandma. This is why I never start my cuff before Christmas… No girl is Christmas carding my mom into a 2012 stocking over the flatscreen. Not gonna happen champ.
Make the most of your time together. You are going to have to maneuver through all of her friends because she may have some potential future winter cuffs right there within her entourage. Avoid her family tho.. maybe for a summer night fling, but you cant be cuffing out of the same gene pool. Don’t ruin this perfect opportunity to get to intimately know the inner workings of her entire crew… Son. I’ve seen crews marinated right that you can cook in for an entire collegiate career. Just make sure you with the valedictorian come graduation.
5. Never get high on your own supply.
Love her. Love her as good as you can. For now. Don’t start humming those Frank Ocean tunes in her ear about how you been “thinking bout forever”. You start getting carried away and reciting romantic haiku’s on Valentines Day in your best Trey Songz voice you gon fuck around and be married kid. All the neighbors gonna know your name…cus its on the mailbox…and her license. You stupid fuck… Why’d you do it? You thought summer was cancelled this year?
4. Tell em truths that sound good.
Yo, the goal is to successfully accomplish this cuff & release without sacrificing your honesty. Don’t start making up lies you are gonna have to live up to man. I have 3 words of wisdom… MARY J. BLIGE. Most of these girls grew up witnessing their moms coming out of their winter cuffs singing “Not Gon‘ Cry“… Our generation has been afforded much more opportunity. We can fade in and out of girls lives as long as our stories stay consistent. Don’t fuck it up. The objective is to leave the door to Marvin’s Room cracked open just enough to where you can renew your snowflake for the following winter in case of an emergency. Be aware that summer competition does exist, and could find its way into the fall. These J. Cole’s are a different breed that will promise to never make her abort. Let em drag her around the basketball courts all summer, but you gotta make sure she’s still receptive to the 4am drunk call come October… comeback season.
3. Don’t be coveting thy neighbors cuff.
Don’t fuck up the money b. Everybody can eat. You gonna end up painting the entire wrong picture for this girl if you fighting your own people for her. Every cuffable chic got a team. Make sure that team is available for the occasional scrimmage to see who on your team matches up. Remember these are only role players, and there is no need to double team a Derrick Fisher.
2. Maintain personal space.
The minute she tells you she’s just leaving those extra clothes over cus she’s sick of driving home… You are fucked, Toothbrush is acceptable, cus I mean…No one trying to get intimate with shorty after she just banged on that pepperoni hot pocket. You gotta have boundaries tho. I mean if she got her own bottle of conditioner in the shower you obviously didn’t adhere to the previous commandments. You are now off on an adventure that will have you making heavy flow tampon purchases.
1. Be Cool.
I mean be the fucking coldest b. NO ONE can fuck with that. There is no defense. Keep it all the way trill, and no one can get mad about shit. Don’t start being dramatic putting on theatrical showings of emotions. Weren’t you paying attention when she told you what a faggot her ex was? That’s not going to be you fam. Not after reading this blog.
I’m out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta do like write the ‘10 Bluff Commandments’ via text to convince the girl currently keeping my bed warm that this shit is purely for entertainment. Fuck.