[Blog] <3


“I’ve been meaning to fuck you in the garden.”

~Frank Ocean

     Midnight tonight legions of savages will prepare to filter their highest levels of thirst through a single sentimental text that will certify that that box is theirs for the following 28 hrs. February 14th … the birthday of thirst. Valentine’s Day is the one day where random late night acts of fuckery are celebrated as sweet, and not at all considered creepy. Hopefully you showed some foresight, and already have your main cuff’s V-Day ready for execution. That doesn’t mean you have to waste this opportunity to sign a few free agents, or negotiate new contracts.

This is a real decision for your roster tho. The very second you press send, an electronic contract has been transferred. Once she returns that contract, complete, signed with an emoji heart… you my friend have acquired a new body. What are you going to do with your new star? She’s going to want some playing time b. Do you have what it takes to successfully maneuver through the most romantic of courts while keeping all this new bench satisfied?

( You remember all that shit you was talking at the barbershop right? About how you had three, fo’ bitches lined up for Valentine‘s Day… all ready to suck your dick while applying Adobo to your breakfast? You know what you was saying dog. Well, I can’t show you the trap house, but I can teach you how to get money )

Before midnight I like to arrange my texts in advance so I can activate all of my thirst with one 4 digit launch code. After I’ve punched in the security clearance on the iPhone, all that’s remains is the red button. Once that clock strikes 12, all thirst missiles are armed, and ready to be deployed. Once the launch sequence is initiated tho.. you better be ready to engage.

This is the type of game that’s going to take stamina, endurance, and finesse. V-Day is a 28 Hour marathon for a girls heart (Valentine‘s Day doesn’t really end until 4am on the 15th). You have to give a magical presentation that appeals to all of her fantasies of one day becoming a princess. Your plea has to include cloud’s, a future, and future clouds may be up for debate as well.

If you sleep a single minute on Valentine’s Day you really just been broadcasting on the Oxygen Network all month. Use these hours. While your boo is deep in slumber dreaming of blushing to act like she didn’t know you were gonna get her that necklace she hinted about, you should be gracing as many inbox’s as possible trying to get them to put out box. The best part about this is you are developing your excuse for “falling asleep early” when your girl is ready for that game of H-O-R-S-E later where she just try anything to get you out the game.

Before all that, make sure you take your girl out for a nice breakfast introduce her to the emotional background you’re trying to set for the day. That way when you leave her for the day she can spend her time anticipating seeing you later. You however, need to go collect your return from all those prospects you’ve invested your time scouting since midnight. They should of went to bed waiting to see if you were gonna make good on your promises. If you did it right that is, but we on what… blog 6? Y’all gotta be trill by now.

It gets crazy tho, balancing all of these festivities around dedicating the proper amount of attention to your actual Valentine. It can become quite the task, you have to know when to rest your players, and when to call for a sub. I have certain responses available for copy + paste stored in my notepad that are designed to be vague enough to distract until the next timeout. If you ever played 2k you know how to use your quick plays.


Quick Play Triangle‘High Post’ : “ Sometimes you say things I can’t even respond to. I just stare at my phone in awe for a while… then laugh.” … The idea for the high post is to create the existence of an emotional high she’s responsible for.

Quick Play Circle‘Low Post’ : “I don’t know how much more of this I can take… I‘m so detached from everything here… You‘re all I keep seeing.” … The idea for the low post is to create an emotional low you cant escape without her presence.

Quick Play X - ‘The Pick’ : “You gotta give me a second… I promised Fred I was gonna drop his girl something for him while he’s away. As soon as I‘m finished tho it‘s us, and you know that‘s all I really want.” …The pick is mostly for your main. She’s not gonna be happy to see her minutes reduced. Make sure its someone she cant fact check. Don’t get thrown out of the game over a moving pick violation.

Quick Play Square‘Isolation’ : “I’m shutting my phone off now… I keep nodding off, and I want to make sure that this is the last text to grace its screen for tonight.” … The isolation is necessary come the end of the night when its time for that 1 on 1.


Don’t think other teams aren’t submitting their offer’s. Some of these GM’s suffer from chronic loneliness. These are the guys who are equipped with an arsenal of desperate plea’s they’ve stored up, and perfected over the past year. Laugh them off if you want to. Any other day I’d do the same, but on the 14th of February these lames are transformed into hopeless romantics for 28 hrs… and oh yeah.. while you excusing yourself for fresh air to let off a couple shots at the bench… they in your girls text’s shooting from Jimmer range.

So, make sure you’re advancing all your Valentine’s romance to unreachable levels. Do it for the love…This is her day. No matter how many hers there may be, make it about them. Don’t take on any girl you can’t dedicate the proper amount of attention to. Every girl deserves a perfect Valentine’s. You gotta be Kanye West preparing a Super-bowl Halftime show. Everything down to the tiniest details is within your control. Make sure it really is about her. Do the little things she likes. If shorty a breezy fan… throw her in a headlock man.. be thoughtful.

I’m out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta do like explain to my girl that those texts really are going to Lemar, and there really is no reason to cancel our reservations at Buffalo Wild Wing‘s… But yo.. if she’s not hearing that… I’ma really need you girls to answer these texts at midnight.