Dear Summer

Dear Summer

 

Preface

“Girls kissing girls … cus it’s hot right?”

~ Kanye West

College students everywhere are dusting off their scales to sell weed during their break. P-Nut made parole and after these 60 days of curfew will still have a 34 day window to figure out what fashion he makes his return to jail in. DJ Drama even awoke from hibernation to remind you bastards. Summer fucking back b. The season where Dominican women figure out a way to turn shoe laces into an entire outfit. Bless them.

Before Summer officially arrives you have to first successfully eliminate your winter cuff. You’ll need at least a 7 minute window to subliminally break up with her via “American Wedding” (Thank Frank). From what I’ve heard she will retaliate with questions about whether or not this was your intention all along.. She will cite verses from the “10 Cuff Commandments” with tears in her eyes, but this is why you were letting the Puerto Rican cat with the tongue ring text her in the first place. Foresight.

Initially you may even miss your winter cuff. Who could forget the shit she did with her mouth on Valentines day that had you chanting the Mercy hook? Great times b. But, I promise that newly tanned Italian girl in the Herve Leger two-piece gonna melt away any potential fucks you had to give.

You are single, the beach is still on either edge of the map, and they sell liquor on Sundays. All the tools are in place to assemble a classic run.  But, here’s some things you need to avoid for a successful Summer.

FLUORESCENTS 

Just because the sun is shining doesn’t mean you need to be too dog. This shit strictly for Spanish men and Haitians in mesh tops. Stop trying to decorate your limbs in highlighter’s god.. You are not in Tron.

COACH BAGS

If shorty can’t relieve the Larry Brown bag from its last place standing you’ve got to eject her immediately, and remove her from the sidelines. There is a beautiful girl somewhere dragging her toes in the sand carrying a Tsumori Chisato tote ready to bounce pass you the box.

FOAMS

Just because you on the beach doesn’t mean your shoe need gills fam… and despite the hype, hoes don’t want to spend hours in your footwear trying to identify their favorite constellation.

ANIMAL PRINT FOR MEN

If we ever want Drought 3 Wayne back, we are going to have to draw the line somewhere. The shit was hot for a minute.. Then Drake decided to drop the top in 110 degree weather to show off a Cheetah Print bubble. You only live once. That doesn’t mean you should spend it sweating into nylon.

ACL TEARS

No explanation really needed. Just don’t do it bro. Shorty was gonna fuck you whether or not you won that game of 21.. She was content just watching your dick swing in basketball shorts. Now you spending 6-8 weeks in rehab while some cat who can’t slap backboards slapping the back of her box.

I’m out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta do like erase this “Dream Chasers 2″ mix-tape off my iPhone before court next week. Not tryna go in for a traffic ticket and come out a felon.

~dugb