Tales From A Crip II
So, yu niggas love to laugh at my pain & struggle? Cool. I’ma pull another tale out the archives that gonna teach y’all the art of thirst control.
I’m gonna have to take you back real quick. Back to a time when dial up internet, AOL, & anonymous blind dates that began with A/S/L were the wave. We ain’t have emoji’s, but if a bitch hit you with equal sign parenthesis she was catching the horizontal fade. This was before bitches could enter the right combination of filters on Instagram like a Grand Theft Auto cheat for tan flat stomachs. Back when yu be in all the local chat rooms trying to narrow thirst coverage down to your very own block. Well that shit back fired on ya boy.
I had jus moved to Phoenix, and I had braids (this was during the Iverson era. I wasn’t one of yu dirty niggas down 30 in the first. Braids were a sign of success and elegance). I didn’t know anybody & wanted to immediately proceed to some local box. So, I did what real niggas did at the time, and hopped straight in the “Phoenix” chat braids first. 5 minutes in I saw the type of A/S/L that would have any young nigga getting ready to let the cape on his du-rag down. 18/sexy female/Phoenix, her name was “glitt3er_b@by”. Being the young wild nigga I was I ignored every indication in front of me, and back-flipped right into a private chat. The cautionary use of number’s for letters could have been a sign of what was to come, but that shit sounded glamorous to me.
So we choppin it up exchanging appearance break downs. I tell her I’m about 6 foot, Iverson braids, and a 6 pack yu could see thru my tank top. She tell me she got long black hair, “fair” skin, and she “thick”. Again I ignored the signs, and went straight for the slam dunk. I tell her I don’t normally do this, but we should meet up. She say the same, and in my head I’m already living out a Trey Songz video and the entire floor know my name.
I ain’t have a whip at the time cuz the way my bank account wasn’t set up. So long story short my mom’s was gonna drop me off. Before I left I get her number and tell her what I’m wearing. I get up to the mall thinkin I’m the man. It’s mad bitches up there boppin, so I run up in Macy’s real fast to the cologne sampling section, and put the finishing touch on. Three Hail Mary’s with the Michael Jordan cologne. At this point she don’t stand a chance against the Young AIM God. I got the throwback Julius Erving jersey complete with headband and everything *Birdman hand rub*.
There are mad cute chicks up in there, and your boy hyped like “which one is me bruh?” She told me she was wearing pink and her hair was up. I’m on the phone scanning the crowd, she like, “OMG!! I see yu!!” I’m like “Yo, where yu at?” She say “right in front of yu waving” I said “stop playing”….Dog………… (Each one of these periods are representative of pieces of my pride I’ll never get back, and here’s some more)…………………….
If yu put Sally Beauty Supplies finest hair product, some aluminum beads at the end of young bucks braids, and placed it on top of Jadakiss head. That’s what this bitch looked like. Bitch name coulda been “Braidakiss”. To my gawd awful surprise there is some sort of tie dye dressed up linebacker reaching out to grab my hand and escort me into the darkness of a movie I’m sure to never return from. Under intense pressure I reacted and gave her the illest handshake ever. Nigga, I threw up my set and everything incase shit spun out of control. She breathing wild heavy saying she wasn’t expecting me to look so good. I’m thinking in my head I didn’t expect her to look like Brandon Bass in pink leggings. I went on with the movie date cuz I wouldn’t have a ride home if I took off. We sitting in the theater and she got her braids jus chillin on the arm rest all in my lap, her thighs taking up 2 other seats, man I couldn’t tell if it was black licorice, or a fuckin dread lock comin out her scalp. I ain’t even watch the movie, I was jus watching her lips and mustache making sure Carl Winslow w/ Gunplay dreads ain’t try to move in for the kill.
I began to plan an escape route. I was either gonna fake a heart attack, or jus try my luck and run. She lowkey looked athletic like she led the league in offensive rebounds so I took the easy way out and fell asleep. Longest movie of my life… By the time the movie was over I jus wanted to square up with her right in the lobby. When my mom pulled around to pick me up in front the Food Court her look of disappointment said it all. She told me it was time to chop the braids and grow up. My whole life was under consideration.
Bruh, I ain’t gotta tell you. The second I got home I deleted my whole hard drive out my computer so we never had a chance to cross paths again. Fuck AIM, AOL, and every light skin bitch on Twitter who look like Nipsey Hussle in person, but her bio tellin yu she “slim & tatted”.
Now that you finished reading this cool story let it sink in for a little bit that you on your 6th pair of Lebron’s, and he still ain’t on his first ring.