Thirst Out Plan
“I love his abs“
~ My Ex
If you’ve been paying attention to the blog’s I’ve already made you aware summer is almost upon us, and will officially start soon when I decide to make that announcement. But, sometime back in March the sun decided to make a surprise appearance briefer than Nicki Minaj’s time at Summer Jam. The temperature went from 40 to 100 like Max Payne’s health bar after he found an entire stash of painkillers. I was so happy all I could hear was the “Glory” beat pulsing through my every thought.
I felt like there was only one way to play summer’s early arrival. So, I immediately scurried to the beach, kicked my retro’s into the sand, and peeled off my shirt only to reveal my 6-Pack had turned into a jug of Pink Moscato. I could NOT allow the females who had spent all winter toning their gluts with the type of dedication that would make Drake proud, to witness what had become of my existence. See, I had torn my ACL using TwitLonger earlier in the year, so there was nothing I could really do to remedy the situation at the time. I slid my limbs back into a small sized H&M shirt that suddenly felt inappropriate, slunk out, and punk’d out.
I vowed to return to the sand more defined than Merriam Webster. I knew there was only so long I could deceive girls into thinking it was a Molly filter I was using on Instagram that had my body melting like Dali. After a girl suggested if she pressed into my belly hard enough she could leave a finger print I knew there was only one form of motivation powerful enough to gather myself in time for the July 4th shirtless deadline. Thirst. Cus see, if you’re still wearing a hoody in your avi come Independence Day… Charles WILL be taking your girl to the fireworks, and the explosions WILL NOT be confined to the skyline.
I seen some of y’all hyping yourself up on that “Insanity” workout, but be realistic with yourselves. Shaun T isn’t navigating one lonely soul away from those obese streets. You are spending way too much time everyday sweating with a grown man who finessing an ankle tattoo. I’m just saying… What would your mother think if she walked in on you throwing phantom knees with a shirtless light skinned man grunting in your ear? C’mon b, 2 Chainz raised us better than that. So, in the name of Lord Dos Necales, and women of all ethnicities whose bodies are shaped like a lowercase “b”, I devised a 4 phase method of successful thirst out.
Phase 1: Thirst Out Playlist
You need to develop a playlist representative of every demographic of girl you anticipate directing your thirst at. These songs aren’t for you. These are song’s that bring you right into the moment with your Potential Object Of Thirst, or POOT. Mine works on an ambitious scale that progressively works its way up a ladder to the thirst heavens. This is my magnum opus.
- “So Sophisticated“ Rick Ross ft. Meek Mill. For that white girl that’ll fuck you like she Jamaican.
- “Same Damn Time (rmx)” Future ft. Diddy and Rick Ross. For the two Puerto Rican girls who can multitask.
- “Suck it or Not (rmx)” Camron ft. Lil Wayne. For the girl that absolutely is going to.
- “I Need That” Nipsey Hussle ft. Dom Kennedy. For the west coast chick that’ll give you top with the top back riding round Carson.
- “Lose my Mind” Jeezy ft. Drake. For the Somalian girl with an ass like, wow.
- “HYFR” Drake ft. Lil Wayne. For the Eritrean girl who works hard, studies hard, and fucks it all out on the weekend.
- “Got that Work” Fabolous. For your Uptown Dominican boo who wants to take you to the park on Dyckman after sushi & patron.
- “Birthday Cake (rmx)” Rihanna ft. Chris Brown. For the Italian girl who plays shy, but bounces perfectly to every cake cake cake cake.
- “Good Life” Kanye West ft. T-Pain. For the ambitious lady that never sees a ceiling.
- “My Type of Party” Dom Kennedy. Pure audio victory for the cool down period.
Phase 2: Discourage Yourself, to Encourage Yourself
Your first POOT’s are merely for training. You’re gonna need a couple private Instagram page’s that belong to women whose avi’s alone host 17 genre’s of beauty. Don’t you dare request them tho. You are only window shopping. You haven’t earned the right to see the intense level’s of thirst waiting inside @dulcecandy ‘s follow button. But, every day before working out take a look at that avi and just imagine the curve coming straight to your snapback at high speeds.
Phase 3: Test Your Results
Now it’s time to do some push-ups. No, not the kind you’d see in a D-Block video. You gonna need to push up on some girl’s to see their reaction. At this point you’ve been going too hard to be wasting your time on a hard 6. Shorty needs to look like she’s bad enough to be part of a flash mob organized by Kanye West. Walk right up on the POOT as the sun washes over you, free your sleeves from your sleeves, and allow your tattoos to awaken from their winter slumber. GAME OVER.
Phase 4: Flourish Young Man, Flourish.
The beaches, the bitches, and the entire free world are now yours. Just don’t regress during next winter’s cuff because one of these years you’re going to actually fall in love, and with someone to constantly replenish your thirst you really just eliminate the need for POOT’s. Now you’re destined to get lazy, and be fat.
I know this blog ain’t provide you no facts about nutrition, or suggest how many rep’s you should do on the weight bench, but physical science not really my thing fam. Fuck I look like counting calories? I don’t know any yoga positions… I’m not out here grabbing my ankles for health… I’m just a young man with a dream. A dream of getting girls to do fruit flavored Ciroc shots off his stomach while their friends watch in envy. Snug.
I’m out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta do like text my ex’s the lyrics to Jay-Z’s “I Know” and ignore their response’s.