Tales From A Crip | The Blog

Some of yu suffer from “do too much syndrome“, so I’ma pull a tale out the archive in order to help yu learn the art of “stay where the fuck yu at and relax“.

One night a few summers ago, I’m out being the young wild nigga I was; me and all my niggas under 21 in the 21+ spots.  We decide to run up in this one spot where they got penny drinks.  No not Anfernee Hardaway my nigga, PENNY DRINKS, a hundred dirty Abe’s get yu Metta World Peace wasted.

And thats exactly what the fuck we did.  Nigga, I left the bar so dazed and confused the mortal kombat “finish him” was hovering above my fitted cap.  So, obviously the only thing left to do was round up some hoes for the horizontal fade.

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Dear Summer | The Blog

Preface

“Girls kissing girls … cus it’s hot right?”

~ Kanye West

College students everywhere are dusting off their scales to sell weed during their break. P-Nut made parole and after these 60 days of curfew will still have a 34 day window to figure out what fashion he makes his return to jail in. DJ Drama even awoke from hibernation to remind you bastards. Summer fucking back b. The season where Dominican women figure out a way to turn shoe laces into an entire outfit. Bless them.

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When Good Knee’s Go Bad | Sports

Anyone who has ever done the Mikan Drill, put 30 on a slow white kid by the 3rd, or swore they should be playing over homie that’s leading THEIR team in scoring whilst having post game sex with THEIR girlfriend all share the same fear… making that one cut that brings silence to the entire crowd with everybody undoubtedly thinking the same three letters… A – C – L.

Amidst the swirling rumors that the illuminati is destroying ACLs left and right this year in order to get Kobe his 6th ring.. I’ve decided to give y’all a run down of the greatest knee debacles of all time.

So for all you “fuck I look like stretching nigga?” niggas.. The top 5 list of ligament leans:

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Fly On The Web

“Fly On The Web”

Preface

“Catch up to my campaign, Coupe the colour of Mayonnaise”

2 Chainzzz

I just can’t live in this disrespect any longer. Last month I had to watch 64 men labeled greater than me on twitter. 6 fucking 4.. This is stress. I don’t even think 60 of them were 6 ft. tall. How you under 72 inches in stature, confidently carrying the title “great“ dog? I’ll go ahead and relieve you of that responsibility tho. Send your followers to me, I’ll instruct them how to truly BE great. Do you have any idea the new levels of sophisticated ignorance I could elevate this great country to? If the Mac’est of Millers can lead a dedicated following of Tumblr kids to understand, support, and embrace the real life struggles of having a lisp.. I’m sure I can fanute these 140 into a successful MTV reality show, or at the very least an aids cure.

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• FUAKING GIRL BLOG
• video of me fucking your girl

The Road To 100

THE ROAD TO 100

(PT. 1)

Preface:

“@iLL__WiLLL: Wooooo! *Follows* RT @DreSmithJr: @iLL__WiLLL ummm @msveeem @ethiopianna @Sandi_El @SaiSoFly @ciandramonique all dope follows man.”

~ Ill Will

If there is any just god “The Road to 100” will one day be immortalized by a series of films documenting the perilous journey to achieve the ‘Holy Grail’ of timelines.100 follows consisting of the most beautiful, interesting, and available ( no fucks were available to be given at this time whether, or not they’re single ) women. I didn’t do the Ray Charles on that follow button to have my DM thirst immediately met with tales of fidelity. So women, if you have love in your life, babies in your uterus, OR living room.. Now is when you should rub that Magic Galaxy Foam until Jaheim’s blue suit appears, and wish yourselves the fuck out of here. This was really destined to go down in history as a cold young Heroes plight to rescue the damsels of twitter one DM at a time. The beautiful childless ones.

So began “The Road to 100” …

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[Blog] <3

Preface:

“I’ve been meaning to fuck you in the garden.”

~Frank Ocean

     Midnight tonight legions of savages will prepare to filter their highest levels of thirst through a single sentimental text that will certify that that box is theirs for the following 28 hrs. February 14th … the birthday of thirst. Valentine’s Day is the one day where random late night acts of fuckery are celebrated as sweet, and not at all considered creepy. Hopefully you showed some foresight, and already have your main cuff’s V-Day ready for execution. That doesn’t mean you have to waste this opportunity to sign a few free agents, or negotiate new contracts.

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• excuses for falling asleep early

10 Cuff Commandments

 Preface

 “Memories made in the coldest winter”

~Kanye West

Okay, so you’ve spent countless hour’s regurgitating Drake’s Take Care lyrics into your lotus flower bomb’s inbox. You’ve collected all of your proverbial nuts for the long chill ahead of you. You’re ready to cuff something up for this here winter season. What is the next step tho? How are you going to manage to lock this thing up for the freeze, but make sure you’ve completely unthawed and singled up by the summer rapture? I got you b. I over got you. I collaborated with a team of the coldest youths to ever do it to bring you this biblical list of guidelines that will teach you to bend every right angle to make sure the box is always around.

THE 10 CUFF COMMANDMENTS

10. Winter cuff relationships should never have a longer lifespan than motor oil.

This gives you 4 months before you change her out. All relationships start out clean and progressively accumulate dirt over time. Your job is to make sure you are sitting in some pure golden synthetic by the time summer arrives.

9. Never look at her phone.

I mean never b. You think those 2am texts are to her best friend? Na, dog they not. They to YOUR new best friend. The Puerto Rican cat with the tongue ring that’s readily waiting to wife her during any season you release custody of her. This is the guy who will dedicate the time and affection it takes to keep her distracted from your spring warm-ups.

8. Avoid any words that threaten to change this relationship from seasonal to annual.

Marriage, commitment, Anniversary… anything that creates the imagery of babies and joint accounts is strictly out fam. Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. This the type of shit only the fuckiest of boi’s resort to, and that’s why they spending a lifetime of evenings watching “Pawn Stars” while you spending a lazy Sunday making their bm a porn star. Be brave man. Call a girl a faggot every once in a while. Shit sounds crazy right? It will be to them too, and by the time they are no longer endeared to it you will be picking out your first destination for prime beach thirst.

7. No family introductions.

You can risk an introduction to a offy aunt, or cousin you know will be back in rehab before March… no one that can keep her connected. You don’t want shorty arriving at a Memorial Day BBQ to a plate she coordinated with your Grandma. This is why I never start my cuff before Christmas… No girl is Christmas carding my mom into a 2012 stocking over the flatscreen. Not gonna happen champ.

6. Network.

Make the most of your time together. You are going to have to maneuver through all of her friends because she may have some potential future winter cuffs right there within her entourage. Avoid her family tho.. maybe for a summer night fling, but you cant be cuffing out of the same gene pool. Don’t ruin this perfect opportunity to get to intimately know the inner workings of her entire crew… Son. I’ve seen crews marinated right that you can cook in for an entire collegiate career. Just make sure you with the valedictorian come graduation.

5. Never get high on your own supply.

Love her. Love her as good as you can. For now. Don’t start humming those Frank Ocean tunes in her ear about how you been “thinking bout forever”. You start getting carried away and reciting romantic haiku’s on Valentines Day in your best Trey Songz voice you gon fuck around and be married kid. All the neighbors gonna know your name…cus its on the mailbox…and her license. You stupid fuck… Why’d you do it? You thought summer was cancelled this year?

4. Tell em truths that sound good.

Yo, the goal is to successfully accomplish this cuff & release without sacrificing your honesty. Don’t start making up lies you are gonna have to live up to man. I have 3 words of wisdom… MARY J. BLIGE. Most of these girls grew up witnessing their moms coming out of their winter cuffs singing “Not Gon‘ Cry“… Our generation has been afforded much more opportunity. We can fade in and out of girls lives as long as our stories stay consistent. Don’t fuck it up. The objective is to leave the door to Marvin’s Room cracked open just enough to where  you can  renew your snowflake for the following winter in case of an emergency. Be aware that summer competition does exist, and could find its way into the fall. These J. Cole’s are a different breed that will promise to never make her abort. Let em drag her around the basketball courts all summer, but you gotta make sure she’s still receptive to the 4am drunk call come October… comeback season.

3. Don’t be coveting thy neighbors cuff.

Don’t fuck up the money b. Everybody can eat. You gonna end up painting the entire wrong picture for this girl if you fighting your own people for her. Every cuffable chic got a team. Make sure that team is available for the occasional scrimmage to see who on your team matches up. Remember these are only role players, and there is no need to double team a Derrick Fisher.

2. Maintain personal space.

The minute she tells you she’s just leaving those extra clothes over cus she’s sick of driving home… You are fucked, Toothbrush is acceptable, cus I mean…No one trying to get intimate with shorty after she just banged on that pepperoni hot pocket. You gotta have boundaries tho. I mean if she got her own bottle of conditioner in the shower you obviously didn’t adhere to the previous commandments. You are now off on an adventure that will have you making heavy flow tampon purchases.

1. Be Cool.

I mean be the fucking coldest b.  NO ONE can fuck with that. There is no defense. Keep it all the way trill, and no one can get mad about shit. Don’t start being dramatic putting on theatrical showings of emotions. Weren’t you paying attention when she told you what a faggot her ex was? That’s not going to be you fam. Not after reading this blog.

I’m out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta do like write the ‘10 Bluff Commandments’ via text to convince the girl currently keeping my bed warm that this shit is purely for entertainment. Fuck.

            ~dugb

The New London

Preface

“Spread love it’s the Brooklyn way.”

~ Big

I’m not ignorant to the fact there was an original London.  I get it.  I knew Slick Rick was the ruler of something.  I know that Nicki Minaj faux accent isn’t from Brooklyn.  I know these things.  I even know that at some point in history London was the center of the entire free world.  Granted most of what I know of London’s colorful past was presented to me via Coldplay’s Viva la Vida, but still… I get it.

I however am from the “New London”.  A little spot in Southeastern Connecticut that boasts the two biggest casinos in the world and a chemical company R&D facility that is engaged in a daily struggle to find innovative ways to keep 80 year old dicks hard.  Thank us later…  Literally.  We are the city that collectively pooled all our resources to bring you…Cassie and I think maybe a guy who produced some beats for Ginuwine or something.  Again…  Thank us later.

So, New London isn’t the product of infamy… yet.  There are people working on it tho..  We’ve toured your cities; we’ve seen the armies of strug patrolling your streets in champion sweat suits and dialogue inherited from an assortment of Tyler Perry movies.  We’ve seen the girls on the dance floor of your local clubs terrified of the impending rape at the end of those Papoose records.  You think we seize these girls because we want to?  Na b.  We do this for YOU, so you can understand that those ACG’s with the red laces are completely unacceptable in a modern society.

I don’t write this blog out of some false sense of entitlement.  I have a real sense of entitlement.  It stems from a real sense of responsibility to everyone that nurtured the person I’ve become.  This isn’t really about me, or my city.  This is about every person like me from a small city like mine.  Don’t live in grandiose fantasies where you are persuaded you’d be more content with yourself in a place that’s already established.  There is no sense of accomplishment to be achieved by making IT somewhere, but to make somewhere IT … that’s real.

To be a King, or Queen you don’t take someone else’s throne.  You make your own.

Represent the uniqueness in YOUR city and stop subscribing to the commercial value of major cities.  I know some of you guys out there getting sick of living out these hoes cliché dream dates walking around Central Park.  They will have you convinced that New York grass and dirt is exuding a romanticism that can’t be produced by the minerals in your city.  Like, somehow the New York air emits precipitation directly to her box.  Na, I’ve seen fiends steaming up on those benches… I know what’s in the air, and it’s not love.  Besides, I’ve proven this theory wrong several times by hopping off the train around Stamford, CT and just telling shorties we was in New Rochelle.  Same results.

Everywhere I go I leave people with a piece of my city, and I’m not the only one.  If your girl starts using phrases like “No thirst tho”, adding a previously nonexistent “b” to the end of her sentences, or referring to every jealous act as “Extra Puerto Rican” you might want to take a gander at her text list…  She’s probably been removed from your custody by one of our many talented youths.

What we have accomplished in my city is establishing a brand of slander and dope talk that the entire world is receptive to.  We come to your cities, cut lines, disrespect dress codes, and most of us have less than $30 on our debit cards at any given time.  Fuck with it.

You don’t have to impress people with the infamous hood your from.  We know you probably got most of your life from the last 30 seconds of “Brooklyn’s Finest”, its cool.  Shit, some of you still in the jungle asking for Hov.  That’s probably why nobody is asking for you.

Brooklyn was the coolest place in the world, once.  Just like London was previously the voice of the entire world.  Now there is an entire world full of dope cities with their own voices.  Use yours.

I’m out tho…  I got mad important shit I gotta do like write these “Stressed Sunday” tweets for all the people out there goin through it.  Y’all got enough problems…  You don’t need to be finding creative ways to articulate your hurt too.  I got you.

From “The New London”

The new Henry

~ dugb

The Cosign

Preface

“I Cosign Myself”

Yung Dro

A few nights back I found myself standing outside the Standard Hotel about 34 minutes into a wait for a person of enough importance to come collect us for some artist’s (who I couldn’t identify even if I was under the threat of having my grandmother’s knees broke) album release party. While I watched people stumble out of the venue, appearing as if they’d invented new vices after sex, drugs, and alcohol, consumption became tedious…  I knew I couldn’t see minute 35.  This is when it dawned on me; I could have avoided all of this by just having let the based god fuck my bitch.  Then and only then, would people know I was someone to be respected.

This is the power of “The Cosign”.

I mean personally I rarely need cosigns.  I’ve honed my craft to a science.  I’ve learned that if you tell the right people that you will “shoot them in the dick” followed by a kind of autistic dinosaur rawr, they normally assume that you are affiliated with the Odd Future bunch.  Not only will you get escorted to VIP’s across the nation, but you will be presented snacks as well.  If you can’t pull that off, attach your name to celebrities that are not easily identifiable to the average doorman such as a Hip Hop Joshua, Plain Pat, or MMG’s Pill.  Nobody knows what the fuck Pill looks like.  Make sure “The Cosign” fits the environment as well.  Mentioning French Montana to get backstage at a Theophilous London show can easily result in catching a case.

“The Cosign” can change everything.  Right now at this very moment, that Wayne cosign got some grown ass blood mixed up in a serious skateboarding accident.  Last year the same dude that was walking around trying to catch a gun charge to validate his facial tattoo’s is now busting 360 kick flips talking bout, “Nah blood, I been on my skateboarding shit since like 03”.  Yes… that guy is Game.

Some people’s careers depend on “The Cosign”.  I don’t have any problems with Wayne throwing alley oops to Drake Griffin (fuck, I’d take a bounce pass), but is this all we have to look forward to in life?  Am I working every night until 5am, just to get up at 7am, just so I can become a shout out on a DJ Drama mixtape?  Na b, fuck that.  That can’t be MY life.  It’s your decision if you choose to subscribe to this brand of dick riding and yes man-ism.  If you decide this is a good career path choice it can also be assumed you’ve spent countless hours on a search engine trying to locate who sells those canary yellow koosh ball’s Rick Ross turned into a jacket on the cover art for “You the Boss”, or twitpic’d yourself in proud possession of multiple J. Cole CD’s.  Either way there is no medication that can be prescribed to cure any of the 17 types of homosexuality you’ve contracted.

Im not innocent here…  I’ve taken “The Cosign” to the extreme plenty of times.  I copped entire ensemble’s embroidered with Ed Hardy fuckery after I saw Hov sporting that oversized jacket he performed “What More Can I Say” in on Fade to Black.  I won’t however allow you to make the same mistakes unwarned.  I feel it my need to pop into your life weekly and suggest that you live more like… well… me.  Cosigning every thought my brain cooks up without regret or fear of retribution.

And with that I’m going to list my Top 5 cosigns I cosign:

5. Ron Browz Cosign… The one that never happened and forever rid of us of “The Ether Boy”

4. Rich Porter – Alpo Martinez Cosign… This didn’t turn out so great for Rich, but we did get Paid in Full out of it.

3. Spike Lee – Ray Allen Cosign… Casting Ray as Jesus Shuttlesworth the son of Denzel Washington forever certified “the sweetest jumper in the game” as a hood legend.

2. Jay–Z – Whatever he’s drinking this week cosign… Whether it was Armadale or Ace of Spades… you could always pour it on a bitch from the comfort of a club couch in style.

1. Michael Jordan – 2K12 Cosign… This cosign put the finishing move on the wack player movement of the NBA Live series.  Seriously, does EA still produce a basketball game annually?

I’m really just out here looking for your cosign to be honest. If everyone who reads this blog can put a bug in the next person’s ear… maybe that sketch ass fortune teller I visited earlier is wrong.  Maybe I won’t have to get shot in that suburban in LA just so people will call me the greatest blogger alive, but then again… maybe I will.

Okay, Im out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta go do like tweet @officiallyice in spam like bursts in hopes that one day maybe, just maybe, he’ll mention me. Then my mom can finally claim me.

      `dugb

Keep It 140

Preface:

I never could see why people would reach a fake-ass façade that they couldnt keep up

 ~ Kanye West

People have been doing entirely too much way before Ray J had seven Maybachs full of MoneyTeam soldiers lined up out front eagerly awaiting their capo’s order to suck each and every enemy dick. Don’t blame Moesha’s lil bro for his actions. Don’t blame Curtis. And don’t you dare blame cocaine. This is a manifestation of where we are in society today… We did this. We knew this extra shit was coming the minute Lady Gaga had bitches in the hood thinking bout crafting entire ensemble’s comprised of meat they “hook-up” provided out the back of an Arby’s.

In a world where everything has been done, it seems as if people are struggling with the pressure of finding innovative ways to leave an impression. Attempts ARE being made tho. I’m not quite sure how someone is going to compete with Tunechi’s Shawn Michaels tights, but one thing I do know is you can bet Rick Ross is in a Tinychat room right now with Viscera, Mark Jacobs, and NASA ironing out the details. With this sort of precedent being set by the people we elect to represent our culture, what are we going to do with the “regular Joe” who now thinks he can multiply his wardrobe x2 by dating a girl that wears his size?

Don’t miss the point. The coolest thing you could ever do is be you. That’s the only thing no one else can be. Sometimes the less you do the more it shows. You don’t have to be a better rapper than Jay, better dresser than ye’, and pull more bitches than Trey.

Example:

If you have been hearing about the buzz homie from your neighborhood that does stand-up comedy been building…show up to his shows! Pay the $35 for the ticket, and allow yourself to be entertained. He is demonstrating to the world what your town is capable of producing. DO NOT however under any circumstances; sit at the table with the same girl whose Facebook wall you been marking up with “hey boo” all week, and get jealous DameFK is making her weak. The subsequent rant that ensues about how his 8^th grade sweetheart thought you were the funniest kid in the city when you were 13 is not a good look. You’re doing too much boi boi. Keep it a 140.

Read a blog that you really enjoy? Show love b. Tell your moms, AND sisters how dope I am. Don’t tell me how you would of did shit. For all I know you could be on the other end of that tweet wearing a pair of Timberland boots with a First Down jacket.  That’s not something I’m comfortable with. I don’t show up at the Ford dealership and tell you how to put that A.D.D. shorty in the Focus right? Okay, so don’t assume you can do my job.

YOUR actions should be an organic response to YOUR desires. Follow YOUR interests. They will lead you to all the right places, with all the right people. Following followers is a sure fire way to get you an iPod play list full of Mac Miller songs, a bunch of lonely nights spent trying to get celeb retweets, and a girlfriend that you should definitely tell about my blog. If you can’t find inspiration in the people you’re around… you need some new people. If the people you’re around don’t find inspiration in you… tell them about my blog.

You should never do anything that requires an explanation. That in itself is too much. I don’t want to hear you justify talking to that underage girl on Words With Friends by saying “She was playing grown games.” You’re a pedophile dog. Also, on a personal note, I don’t want to hear you’re reasoning behind any use of emoji. Not if you call yourself a heterosexual male… that shits extra… extra gay. No pause will retrieve you from the depths of which you’ve got yourself muted. It’s cute when girl’s got a koala bear floating around my timeline. You applying make-up to your tweet… not so much.

Okay, Im out tho… I got mad important shit I gotta go do like find an upper strong enough to keep me up through the entirety of this J. Cole album. Any suggestions @ me.

` dugb